Lounge

Ah,

How I wish You could Hear what I Hear,

and See what I See ...


if there is one person who understands

the falling rain,

the changing tone,

and the trembling leaves,

in the night breeze.

(PS. My teacher read this poem, and kindly suggested an ellipse would end it better than a period. Readers may choose whatever form they want for this poem, or create new ones. Poem is just a way to rouse feelings, and it serves differently for everyone. How it should be written, in this sense, is not confined to a single individual's understanding.)

磨指甲

感恩节一下子过大半圈了.

昨日去Briarwood, 本来是要去买食品和日常用品(牙膏和伞), 结果却是扛了几袋衣服, 差点没回得了宿舍. 在Briarwood有一位女推销员, 看着我, 一位黄皮肤的人, 提着大包小包, 于是在我经过的时候问"你庆祝圣诞么?"

我回过头, 差点没停得下脚步, 不知来者何意, 于是说: "也许吧, 不过这不是个传统的项目." 作为身在异国经常被白人抓着探讨东方文化的华人, 我习惯性地以为她会接下来说"我来自XX地方, 那里庆祝XX节日". 然后咱们会有愉快的文化交流, 然后满载笑容离开.

结果她说: "那你一定有对你特别重要的女人吧? 女朋友?" 听到这个我思维掉了个大弯, 心里想"靠, 女朋友?! 俺光棍们正纠结孤单寂寞的精神和本质呢!" 然后这女推销员, 怕是看到了我奇特的神情变化, 马上接着问: "那你母亲?" 我没法说不, 于是说, 有啊.

然后她马上把我引向柜台, 等我反应过来她是要给我推销东西的时候, 已经来不及转头了. 她把我左手抬起来, 马不停蹄地讲: "你想在圣诞的时候给她们送一份最不错的礼品么? 我们现在有一款XXX, 效果很好." 我没听懂她想要说什么, 但她继续滔滔不绝"能够让她们的指甲保持两周的亮白, 不论她们做什么事情. " 我恍过一点神来. 然后她摸了一下我拇指指甲, 说"你看你的普通指甲外表有棱面, 不光滑", 她把一个盒子形状的东西按在我指甲上, 快速左右摩擦, 一边继续"这东西效果持久, 而且操作方便, 你准备好了么?"

她把盒子拿开. 我果然被震撼到了. 我指甲不仅平滑, 还有多得吓人的光泽. 我第一反应是这真不像男人的指甲, 第二反应是完了, 这下怎么摆脱这位推销员. 她继续滔滔不绝, 但我还是很快想到敷衍一句, 谢谢你, 不过我真的需要走了. 她说, 噢, 好吧, 然后背过头忙自己的去了. 行动之快之流畅, 一如她的连珠话语. 我又被震撼了, 不是吧, 蛇尾都这么有水准.

我还几乎抱歉一样加了句, "但是谢谢!"才仓皇逃走.

走了没几步, 我才回过神来, 她当初为什么问我庆不庆祝圣诞, 为何问我"重要的女人", 为何会在人流中挑选我这个其貌不扬的亚裔人. 我开始责备自己, 怎么不反应早一点呢, 应该马上向她学习哪. 那么咱们就可以在另一个层次愉快地技术交流, 然后满载笑容离开了.

很多时候, 我以为自己太敏感. 挺多时候, 我还是不够敏感.

烤炙食品区的大婶

在烤炙食品区, 有位棕色皮肤的大婶. 

她说的英语弹跳得让我难以捕捉.

她的名字我未曾记住.

她来自巴拿马.

她曾在纽约曼哈顿, 布鲁克林谋生.

她烹饪, 但她不总是个食物工作者.

她当过机场保安, 见过无数旅人.

她在西莱克斯有了女儿.

她来密歇根三年, 跟随丈夫的脚步.

她来美国二十余载, 独自一人.

她说: "我只身来到这个国度, 就和你一样."

在那个明媚的清晨, 空荡的厨房里, 音乐机播放着的90年代经典流行声中, 她与另一位正在煎蛋的黑人大婶聊着感恩节的计划.

也让我想, 在那棕褐纹理皮肤下, 有过怎样的曲折故事, 笑颜和泪水, 希望和辛酸.

而也许, 真正具体到每一天, 时间也只是这样平淡地流过. 也许, 一切大风大浪, 最终都会回归到宁静的日子.

一个人的一生, 当是比任何书籍都更能诠释人文的涵义.

Wonder

There are moments in life,

when you wonder how things might have been different,

if you had chosen another path.

Yet it is not for us to tell.

Even the very wise cannot see all ends.

Dream of Childhood

To travel around the world --

To admire the mountains capped by ice and clothed by cloud. To wade across streams tucked in deep forest and decorated by singings of birds. To walk through streets where time never passes and memories never lost. To talk with people who know the tales and styles of old ages.

To stride on the ground --

To feel the softness of soil, the freshness of growing things, the cool of morning air, the blurry view of hard rain. To learn the stories behind a building, a sculpture, a picture, a letter, a person. To be marveled by the perfection of nature, by the striving of human kind.

To step out and to the journey ahead.

Read, write, read

We need to make a multi-media project about the book Into the Wild. Specifically, we need to create a website with a specific theme derived from this book. Everyone in our group needs to write something equal to five pages of words accompanying one kind of media to illustrate one aspect of the general theme of our website. For example, you can create a painting, and write a five page explanation of how this panting illustrates a specific idea from the book. There is no requirement about how we should write, but the writing is expected to render an in-depth thought on its subject.

After spending two nights pondering what should be my angle of addressing this book and having browsed through the entire 200 pages twice, I finally started typing some original text from the book to my laptop and formed a very obscure idea about my topic. I am going to observe the way people interacted with Alex in his adventures. I hope from this observation some insight about the general attitude of the society can be gained, and in turn how that might have influenced Alex.

Every time when I have to write an argument paper on a book, I have to go through the book several times before I can eventually hit on a point that makes me feel "this idea might work". This sort of writing is not something people can finish in a two-hour leisure time after dinner. Writing, in general, is something that can be delved into and take up considerable time. Writing a simple essay can cost several days. Now I am gradually developing skills about how to create an argument well supported by evidences throughout a book, but I also understand I need a lot, lot of practice before this skill can be refined to a level of reasonable height.

I was also reminded that I once read someone relating that his teacher said "One has to read at least 2000 books before he can form his independent thought." Then this man started gorging books, but some how, as he recalled, in a way of reading books just for its own sake. He read books just to hit a number. He reproached himself that he did not really hold an opinion of himself when he read, thus he was doing a really passive reading. I think probably few people would really just sit and meditate for several hours after finishing a book. More, I suspect, would have gone through the process that while reading they simply accept what is given, and once in a while they will run into ideas in contradiction with what they already know, possibly from some other reading. It is at this moment that they start evaluating which of these opposing idea is of more merits. In this way, gradually people grow sharp in their thinking. Actually I feel this should be a common process for all people -- even for those who do meditation after finishing a book -- as who, at the beginning of their learning, would be able to form opinions about a book with reliable evidences drawn from other books or resources? Thus passive reading always comes first.

Prom

我看到一张朋友在舞会的相片. 两对舞伴在一起, 西装革履的男士位于中间, 西装下是同为淡紫或同为金黄的领带和衬背夹衣, 前胸表有灿开的花朵, 精心修饰于附珍珠的丝网上. 一手后弯, 拢于身旁女士侧边. 眉头在阳光下微皱, 但微弯的嘴角后仍然流溢的是自信. 两位身着无比精致的绸缎晚礼服的女士婷婷立于两侧, 笑得温婉和雅. 手腕上配饰着令人惊叹的花: 坠有珍珠的丝网半围于花下, 拢着花的娇羞和白艳, 而花与丝网都嵌于淡紫的绸缎上, 紧凑而不失优雅地缠在纤细的手腕之背. 草坪的尽头是高耸的绿木.

我参加过舞会, 却没有极为正面的感受. 一来无好友可谈可笑, 二来舞伴亦是胡拼乱凑. 本打算单身赴会, 却被老妈命于"要学会和女生交往"于是只好请者不拒. 我体会到了在最终只落到节奏而非旋律的音乐中乱蹦的快感, 但也深刻感到这只是一种对平日生活的回避, 仿佛拼命工作来试图麻木感情的失落, 或是醉饮来试图忘却忧愁的过往. 然而夜深之时, 酒醒之后, 总能发现该在的仍然还是在, 该困扰的仍然困扰. 然后体会到心底的痕迹并不是一朝一夜的外物能够化去. 而最伤人的莫过于, 在外物刺激感官时, 却同时刺激人的心灵和思维, 于是蓦然发现萦绕心头的渴望和憧憬在这一刻仿佛更加清晰真实, 几乎可以伸出手触摸到.

不过在这个相片中, 舞会仍然是如此盛大而欢喜. 这是舞会应有的情感. 男士谨慎地过问女士是否愿意一同出席, 如果凑成, 然后需要商讨服装风格和色彩. 男士的领带和夹衣多与女士的晚礼服使用同一颜色. 舞会前见面时, 男士会带一株戴于手腕的精致花朵, 连着和女士礼服一样色泽的绸缎, 然后小心为女士扣上. 女士亦会带一朵同样精致的花, 温和地为男士别在胸前. 花底陪衬的颜色也与女士绸缎色彩相同. 两人于是通过这样的方式, 向他人表示舞伴的身份. 舞会中, 在嘈杂震耳的节奏外, 也会有曲子为了男女舞伴而备. 这时男女面对, 男士两手放在女士腰部, 女士两手搭在男士肩上, 两人随节奏摇动. 这叫什么舞我也不知道.

虽然美国高中恋爱已是再普遍不过, 但在这种正式的场合中合舞仍然让人悸动. 如果把舞会搬到中国来会什么样呢? 其实我很好奇, 一直被官方压抑的情感在得到正式认可后会有何样的反应. 其实舞会就是一起跳舞嘛. 为什么这么正式呢? 学礼仪嘛. 舞会除了学礼仪之外呢? 其实我使劲想, 除了让学生带礼仪疯闹外, 还有就是给学生和异性近矩离交往的机会. 有什么用呢? 是啊, 有什么用呢? 它能让你进到好学校找到好工作么? 也许不能. 所以这舞会搬到咱中国高中自然不可想象. 其实社会上并没有把男女交往作为禁忌, 其实社会也鼓励男女交往. 美国只是把时间提前了. 为什么要鼓励男女交往? 我发现自己陷入惯性思维了. 因为高中告诉我恋爱是不好的, 所以我默认它是理应抑制的了. 男女交往, 就像一个人看到盛开的花朵也会想多看几眼一样, 只是人的本性罢了. 人做的一切到头来也许只是直接或间接地为本性服务而已, 比如填饱肚子, 比如欣赏美的东西, 比如享受家人的陪伴.

所以我发现惯性思维真可怕, 中国只是强调恋爱会影响学习, 而这个印象扎根如此之深以至于让我潜意识怀疑恋爱本身的正当性. 其实毫无根据. 还有多少其他方面我也这样被惯性思维限制着呢?