Something About Humbleness

逐渐逐渐经历开始丰富一点, 于是发现世界的千奇百怪, 还有人的千姿百态. 这时犹为想起维果曾引用的主神奥丁的话: 

“那些远行的人是真正的智者，他们踏遍世间道路.
惟有经历天涯海角的流浪，他才能分辨人心的善恶.”


固然我还没有 “踏遍” 世间道路, 但也体察到要亲历一些为人为事, 细细思索斟酌, 然后希望求得对于不同人们处事之态的一点点更多了解. 然后反观自身, 取其善者, 去其劣者. 同时也意识到人们表态的随机性. 一句话, 一篇文章, 甚或一段对话都也许只是人们在特定情况下的反常表现, 而正好被我们撞见. 故从一个片段来形成自己对某人的见解, 不论是赞扬还是贬斥, 大抵可以算作无意识而又无理由的习惯: 我们不自觉地会在交往过程中形成对别人的印象, 但也得充分明白自己的印象可能有差错. 但保持谦逊自知终归是件好事, 在评价他人也是如此, 尤其是在我们还不敢说自己 “完全彻底” 地了解别人之前. 从另一方面来讲, 虽然交往中所得到的只是别人作为一个 “完整的人” 的片段, 自己仍然可以从中反思, 得到一些对人们思维过程和行为习惯的认知, 从而对这个世界又加深一点了解, 然后反省自己的为人处事并进行调整. 对别人对自己的看法方面, 每个见解也可看作是一个调正我们自己的建议, 不论是否明白地表达出来. 他人见解很多是基于他们的经历和认识, 那么自己便努力把站在他人的角度来观察, 期待能对他们表达的观点有更深的理解. 同时自己也渐渐意识到时刻对建议保持有选择性, 即使对方是尤其优秀的人. 自身方面而言, 固然别人总会对自己有各种见解, 不论是公正还是偏激. 也许不断有人夸赞, 抑或贬低排斥我们, 但自己有几斤几两终归只有自己意识得到. 正如前人教导: “总是要反复检验自己内在有多少东西, 总是要自己先肯定自己, 然后悄悄退回去, 继续增加自己对喜好的知识的熟识度.” 懂得的事物, 见识到的人比之前多一点, 于是更加认识到自己受到的教育不够, 自己的缺陷很多. 而也会担心有更多的自己还没意识到的弱点, 然后更加敏感细微地观察自己的行为.


同时警醒一下自己: 而当别人对我们俯就时, 需珍惜机会. 总体而言, 牛圈的人少有对猪圈感兴趣的. 也莫把他人的谦逊作为炫耀的标志, 或自己出色的象征. 自嘲可非自贬身价, 而有可能是讽刺那些更落后的人. 最后蒙蔽在鼓中, 井底的, 很可能还是咱们自己.


Gradually my experience increased, and I learned the more about the variety of the world, as well as the variety in how people treat others and themselves. Deeply I felt what was expressed in the words from Hávamál:


‘He is truly wise who's traveled far and knows the ways of the world. 
He who has traveled can tell what spirit governs the men he meets.'


Obviously I have yet known the ways of the world, but increasingly I realized we need to gain experience personally about others, and then contemplate it, hoping to obtain a little more understanding in how people deal with the world. Then look back at ourselves, and adjust ourselves accordingly. At the same time, we may become aware of the randomness in people's expression of themselves. A single sentence, article, or even conversation might well be an unusual performance of people under certain circumstances, which happen to be encountered by us. Yet no matter positively or negatively, we tend to form opinions, unconsciously, toward others based on what we know - only pieces of others as a person. So we should be aware that our opinions might be not at all justified or unbiased. Keeping humble is always nothing to worry about, so is it when we judge others, especially before we dare to say we know absolutely everything about others. On the other hand, even it is the pieces of others that we could see, we still can ponder over those pieces, and try to comprehend a little more about their way of thinking, thus a little more about the world around us. Then we could use it as a mirror to see and better ourselves. In terms of others’ judgements of ourselves, it might be safe to say that every kind of opinion is a kind of suggestion on how we might be improved. The judgements of others, in many cases, are derived from their own experience and knowledge, which should be taken into consideration by us, if we intend to form a more profound comprehension of their judgements. Also it is crucial to accept suggestions selectively, even when they come from people very mature and outstanding. As for ourselves, it is obvious that around us are all kinds of judgements, either justified or not. There could be people constantly flattering or blaming us, yet only we ourselves understand how much we possess inside, in terms of either knowledge or personal qualities. Just as a precedent student taught me: ‘We shall always check the containment inside ourselves, and always approve ourselves at first, then withdraw back quietly and strengthen our familiarity with the knowledge we love.’ When beginning to learn and see more, I increasingly feel that my education is seriously limited, my shortcomings multiple, and there could be more weaknesses on me that I have not perceived. So I would observe myself with more care.


I should also notice myself: when others are stooping toward us, it is a good opportunity to learn something. Generally, those who are very talented and outstanding have little interest in those slow and ignorant. Do not take others' humility as a sign of arrogance, or a sign that ourselves are better. Somebody joking about their stupidity does not mean we could look down upon them. They might be criticizing alludingly those who are no better than them. Eventually, it could be us who are blind.

胡扯恋爱 Nonsense Discussion About Love

Jamie问我: "Are you looking for a girlfriend?" 我说对的.

然后紫薇同学非常诧异地看着我: "Are you serious?"

我没期待她有这种反应, 也不知道她为啥有这种反应. 不过我还是说, 是啊?!. 其实我也不知道自己在说什么. 这可能是一种惯性. 之前在学校的时候有个墨西哥女生问过我一模一样的问题, 我当时很犹豫地给了个肯定的答案, 想看看此女接下来会说什么. 结果她说她有朋友对我很有兴趣. 我想这好啊, 有人想追我就追我吧. 想必她也不会说那人是谁, 她自己瞎捏造的也有可能. 如今换了Jamie来问, 根据牛顿的惯性定律, 没有外力改变的话我还是会走老路. 所以我很快给了同样的答案.

如果这是个陷阱就糟了...

不过紫薇同学看俺如看怪物的眼光让我又思考了一下我的莽撞回答意味着什么. 我把墨西哥猛女和Jamie的问题翻译成中文后, 突然发现我回答"Yes"是在说自己在寻找. 如同搜索猎物一般地寻找. 而我开始理解他们的问题为"你现在是否下定决心, 至死不渝保持单身???" 言下之意, 是不是女生如果有要追我的就不要往枪口上撞了, 肯定悲剧? 我习惯鼓励别人勇敢地追求梦想...自然不想一句话就直接Pia飞人家. 没想到如今变成我自己跑东跑西搜罗女生了. 难怪Jamie评论到: "你一直坐在你桌子前工作, 真看不出你在looking for a girlfriend..."

我一直觉得时间和精力是要投资在自己身上的, 故未曾涉足追人之事. 况且如今恋爱越来越像打仗一样, 纷繁复杂. A喜欢B, A会告诉B么? 我觉得这个值得研究. A告诉B的话, A不就丧失主动权了嘛. 而B的话, 如果喜欢A, 自可以坐着不动安然享受A奉献殷情. 如果B碰到比A更好的人, 直接忽略掉A. 如果不喜欢, 那么至少可以先摆着, 预防以后一不小心喜欢上. 此设想的Assumption: 咱们认为表白是某种契约或者宣言, 表示俺以后做的事情就是博取阁下欢心的. 而违约是不怎么道德的. 可是现实和理论终究有差别. 现实中表白跟合同差远了. A给B表白后就是不付出行动去追, 或者转而去追C, 那么B有啥办法呢? 顶多心里骂A"空想而非实干家"或者花心大萝卜罢了. 如果B本来就对A没兴趣的话, 那么更不用担心了. B想都不会想A在做什么. 正如某人所云: "如果别人喜欢你, 你做什么都没关系. 如果别人不喜欢你, 你做什么都没用."(此话只是某闲杂人无聊的感慨, 不可当作行动纲领!!!)

更有甚者, 有时B感觉到A的爱慕后, 对A摆出高傲疏远的姿态. 那A应该干啥? 去亲近C来气死B? 如果B对A还有点感情的话兴许有用. (看来如今想对喜欢的人好一点忠诚一点都难.) 如果B对A完全不关心的话, 又回到那句话"别人不喜欢你, 你做啥都没用."

这么复杂纠结的关系也让我一直对恋爱敬而远之. 似乎恋爱=纠结+痛苦. 吃醋更是最惨不忍睹的事情. 敝人甚至怀疑, 如果A要花费那么大力气去追B, 那么B天性里就对A没有好感, B会爱A爱得足够深么?

我很懒. 故我曾梦见过这种事: 我在追一个女生. 她对我太好了. 她告诉我: "今天X时候去XX地方, 我会在那里. 然后你就可以约我和你出去. 然后我就会答应." 我照做. 成功. 这下知道为什么考SAT的时候要用官方指南了吧?

嗯. 胡侃也侃得够多了. 其实我觉得恋爱不需要那么复杂. 双方互相爱慕的话, 直接告诉对方然后在一起就行了嘛. 你高兴我也高兴. 那么纠结做啥.

不过要碰到双方正好互相爱慕的情况不太容易. 如果碰得到那就感谢上苍吧.

Jamie was asking me: "Are you looking for a girlfriend?" I said yes.

Then Ziwei stared at me, astonished: "Are you serious?"

I didn't expect such reaction, nor did I know why she was acting like this. But I still affirmed: "Yes?" Actually I myself didn't know what I was talking about. This might be a kind of inertia. Sometime ago at school there was a Mexican girl asking me exactly the same question. Hesitantly I replied "yes", wondering what she would say next. Then she said she had a friend very interested in me. I thought: "That's good. If someone wants to chase me, then just do it." I didn't think the Mexican girl was going to tell me who the girl was, or she might have make it up by herself. Now the question was proposed by Jamie. According to the Law of Inertia by Newton, if there is no force from outside to alter me, I would still continue on my previous route, so I quickly gave the same answer.

What if it's a trap?

But the curious look of Ziwei, which made me feel she was examining some sort of monster, led me to rethink about my premature answer. After I translated into Chinese the questions offered by the brave Mexican girl and Jamie, I suddenly realized, when I said "yes", it meant I was searching for, or preying on, innocent girls. But originally I interpreted their questions as something like "Have you decided to remain celibate for the rest of your life?", which means if there is some girl who likes me, it's better for her to give up right now as chasing me is inevitably a mission impossible. I am used to encouraging people to pursue their dream...so of course I won't exterminate their aspiration right from the beginning. Yet I didn't expect I would become the one running around searching for games. No wonder Jamie commented: "It's really hard to imagine that you, while working by your desk all the time, are looking for a girlfriend..."

Always insisting that time and energy should be invested in ourselves, I never ventured in the area of chasing people. Also, nowadays relationships become increasingly like warfare, incredibly complicated. If A likes B, would A tell B? It's an interesting question. If A tells B, A has a good chance of losing the driving power of the game. As for B, if s/he likes A, s/he could just sit back and enjoy what A is trying to offer, or if B meet someone more attractive than A, s/he could then simply ignore A completely. If B doesn't really like A, s/he could still store A's adoration in the basement, in case someday s/he might fall in love with A. To support my conjecture, we presume the expression of love as some kind of agreement stating: "All what I am doing is to please you.", and that breaking an agreement is unethical. Yet the reality is always different from theories. An expression of love is nothing like an agreement. If A tells B that s/he loves B, and pays no effort to chase B, or pays an awful lot of energy to chase another person C, what could B do? B might at most blame A as "a dreamer instead of a doer", or "one of those easily distracted morons". If B at the beginning has absolutely no interest in A, then there is nothing to worry about: B will not even pay attention to what A is doing, just as someone said: "If s/he likes you, it doesn't matter what you're doing. If s/he doesn't like you, it makes no difference what you're doing." (WARNING: It was said by someone perfectly out of boredom. Do NOT use this as a guide for your life!!!)

Furthermore, sometimes when B feels the adoration from A, s/he poses arrogance toward A. What should A do then? To please C, making B jealous? It will work if B still retains some interest for A. (So it's an difficult issue today even to show our affection or loyalty to someone.) If B is completely not interested in A, it goes back to the sentence "If s/he likes you, it doesn't matter what you're doing. If s/he doesn't like you, it makes no difference what you're doing."

The complex nature of relationship also discourages me from attempting it. It might be safe to say: LOVE = Intricacy + Infliction. The feeling of jealous is arguably one of the most cruel things. I even suspect, if A has to pay so much effort to chase B, which could indicate that B in her/his nature has no inclination for intimacy with A, will B eventually love A deeply enough even if A has successfully obtained B's affection?

I am very lazy, so I have had dreams like this: I was chasing a girl. She was too nice to me. She told me: "You can find me at XX place at XXX time. Then you can ask me out, and I will agree." I followed the instructions, and succeeded. Now understand why we should use the Official Guide for our preparation for SAT?

OK. Nonsense has been discussed enough. Actually I believe love ought not to be mind-blowingly complicated. If people like each other, they can just tell each other and then be together. What's the point to complicate things?

But cases are rare in which people happen to love each other from the beginning. If we have, we should be grateful.