Jamie问我: "Are you looking for a girlfriend?" 我说对的.
然后紫薇同学非常诧异地看着我: "Are you serious?"
我没期待她有这种反应, 也不知道她为啥有这种反应. 不过我还是说, 是啊?!. 其实我也不知道自己在说什么. 这可能是一种惯性. 之前在学校的时候有个墨西哥女生问过我一模一样的问题, 我当时很犹豫地给了个肯定的答案, 想看看此女接下来会说什么. 结果她说她有朋友对我很有兴趣. 我想这好啊, 有人想追我就追我吧. 想必她也不会说那人是谁, 她自己瞎捏造的也有可能. 如今换了Jamie来问, 根据牛顿的惯性定律, 没有外力改变的话我还是会走老路. 所以我很快给了同样的答案.
如果这是个陷阱就糟了...
不过紫薇同学看俺如看怪物的眼光让我又思考了一下我的莽撞回答意味着什么. 我把墨西哥猛女和Jamie的问题翻译成中文后, 突然发现我回答"Yes"是在说自己在寻找. 如同搜索猎物一般地寻找. 而我开始理解他们的问题为"你现在是否下定决心, 至死不渝保持单身???" 言下之意, 是不是女生如果有要追我的就不要往枪口上撞了, 肯定悲剧? 我习惯鼓励别人勇敢地追求梦想...自然不想一句话就直接Pia飞人家. 没想到如今变成我自己跑东跑西搜罗女生了. 难怪Jamie评论到: "你一直坐在你桌子前工作, 真看不出你在looking for a girlfriend..."
我一直觉得时间和精力是要投资在自己身上的, 故未曾涉足追人之事. 况且如今恋爱越来越像打仗一样, 纷繁复杂. A喜欢B, A会告诉B么? 我觉得这个值得研究. A告诉B的话, A不就丧失主动权了嘛. 而B的话, 如果喜欢A, 自可以坐着不动安然享受A奉献殷情. 如果B碰到比A更好的人, 直接忽略掉A. 如果不喜欢, 那么至少可以先摆着, 预防以后一不小心喜欢上. 此设想的Assumption: 咱们认为表白是某种契约或者宣言, 表示俺以后做的事情就是博取阁下欢心的. 而违约是不怎么道德的. 可是现实和理论终究有差别. 现实中表白跟合同差远了. A给B表白后就是不付出行动去追, 或者转而去追C, 那么B有啥办法呢? 顶多心里骂A"空想而非实干家"或者花心大萝卜罢了. 如果B本来就对A没兴趣的话, 那么更不用担心了. B想都不会想A在做什么. 正如某人所云: "如果别人喜欢你, 你做什么都没关系. 如果别人不喜欢你, 你做什么都没用."(此话只是某闲杂人无聊的感慨, 不可当作行动纲领!!!)
更有甚者, 有时B感觉到A的爱慕后, 对A摆出高傲疏远的姿态. 那A应该干啥? 去亲近C来气死B? 如果B对A还有点感情的话兴许有用. (看来如今想对喜欢的人好一点忠诚一点都难.) 如果B对A完全不关心的话, 又回到那句话"别人不喜欢你, 你做啥都没用."
这么复杂纠结的关系也让我一直对恋爱敬而远之. 似乎恋爱=纠结+痛苦. 吃醋更是最惨不忍睹的事情. 敝人甚至怀疑, 如果A要花费那么大力气去追B, 那么B天性里就对A没有好感, B会爱A爱得足够深么?
我很懒. 故我曾梦见过这种事: 我在追一个女生. 她对我太好了. 她告诉我: "今天X时候去XX地方, 我会在那里. 然后你就可以约我和你出去. 然后我就会答应." 我照做. 成功. 这下知道为什么考SAT的时候要用官方指南了吧?
嗯. 胡侃也侃得够多了. 其实我觉得恋爱不需要那么复杂. 双方互相爱慕的话, 直接告诉对方然后在一起就行了嘛. 你高兴我也高兴. 那么纠结做啥.
不过要碰到双方正好互相爱慕的情况不太容易. 如果碰得到那就感谢上苍吧.
Jamie was asking me: "Are you looking for a girlfriend?" I said yes.
Then Ziwei stared at me, astonished: "Are you serious?"
I didn't expect such reaction, nor did I know why she was acting like this. But I still affirmed: "Yes?" Actually I myself didn't know what I was talking about. This might be a kind of inertia. Sometime ago at school there was a Mexican girl asking me exactly the same question. Hesitantly I replied "yes", wondering what she would say next. Then she said she had a friend very interested in me. I thought: "That's good. If someone wants to chase me, then just do it." I didn't think the Mexican girl was going to tell me who the girl was, or she might have make it up by herself. Now the question was proposed by Jamie. According to the Law of Inertia by Newton, if there is no force from outside to alter me, I would still continue on my previous route, so I quickly gave the same answer.
What if it's a trap?
But the curious look of Ziwei, which made me feel she was examining some sort of monster, led me to rethink about my premature answer. After I translated into Chinese the questions offered by the brave Mexican girl and Jamie, I suddenly realized, when I said "yes", it meant I was searching for, or preying on, innocent girls. But originally I interpreted their questions as something like "Have you decided to remain celibate for the rest of your life?", which means if there is some girl who likes me, it's better for her to give up right now as chasing me is inevitably a mission impossible. I am used to encouraging people to pursue their dream...so of course I won't exterminate their aspiration right from the beginning. Yet I didn't expect I would become the one running around searching for games. No wonder Jamie commented: "It's really hard to imagine that you, while working by your desk all the time, are looking for a girlfriend..."
Always insisting that time and energy should be invested in ourselves, I never ventured in the area of chasing people. Also, nowadays relationships become increasingly like warfare, incredibly complicated. If A likes B, would A tell B? It's an interesting question. If A tells B, A has a good chance of losing the driving power of the game. As for B, if s/he likes A, s/he could just sit back and enjoy what A is trying to offer, or if B meet someone more attractive than A, s/he could then simply ignore A completely. If B doesn't really like A, s/he could still store A's adoration in the basement, in case someday s/he might fall in love with A. To support my conjecture, we presume the expression of love as some kind of agreement stating: "All what I am doing is to please you.", and that breaking an agreement is unethical. Yet the reality is always different from theories. An expression of love is nothing like an agreement. If A tells B that s/he loves B, and pays no effort to chase B, or pays an awful lot of energy to chase another person C, what could B do? B might at most blame A as "a dreamer instead of a doer", or "one of those easily distracted morons". If B at the beginning has absolutely no interest in A, then there is nothing to worry about: B will not even pay attention to what A is doing, just as someone said: "If s/he likes you, it doesn't matter what you're doing. If s/he doesn't like you, it makes no difference what you're doing." (WARNING: It was said by someone perfectly out of boredom. Do NOT use this as a guide for your life!!!)
Furthermore, sometimes when B feels the adoration from A, s/he poses arrogance toward A. What should A do then? To please C, making B jealous? It will work if B still retains some interest for A. (So it's an difficult issue today even to show our affection or loyalty to someone.) If B is completely not interested in A, it goes back to the sentence "If s/he likes you, it doesn't matter what you're doing. If s/he doesn't like you, it makes no difference what you're doing."
The complex nature of relationship also discourages me from attempting it. It might be safe to say: LOVE = Intricacy + Infliction. The feeling of jealous is arguably one of the most cruel things. I even suspect, if A has to pay so much effort to chase B, which could indicate that B in her/his nature has no inclination for intimacy with A, will B eventually love A deeply enough even if A has successfully obtained B's affection?
I am very lazy, so I have had dreams like this: I was chasing a girl. She was too nice to me. She told me: "You can find me at XX place at XXX time. Then you can ask me out, and I will agree." I followed the instructions, and succeeded. Now understand why we should use the Official Guide for our preparation for SAT?
OK. Nonsense has been discussed enough. Actually I believe love ought not to be mind-blowingly complicated. If people like each other, they can just tell each other and then be together. What's the point to complicate things?
But cases are rare in which people happen to love each other from the beginning. If we have, we should be grateful.
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